For the past three months, I have been missing in action. My absence started in July. 

July is supposed to be a month of celebration for me. It is my birthday month, a time to look forward to another year of life and thank God for the gift of being here.

But since 2006, July has also carried grief. My father passed away the day after my birthday that year. Then, in July 2019, my grandmother passed away and was laid to rest the day after my birthday. And last year, my uncle passed away on my birthday.

So when July came around this year, all those memories seemed to come rushing back at once.

I was an emotional wreck. I wasn’t ready to face what I was feeling, so for a while, I didn’t. I sat in the hurt. I mourned. I cried. And, if I’m being truthful, I wallowed in self-pity for a little while too.

But even there, God was with me. Scripture tells us that God sees every tear we cry.

“You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle.”
Psalm 56:8 NLT

God hadn’t disappeared. He hadn’t forgotten me. He hadn’t abandoned me in my grief.

Yet somehow, He felt far away. For a while, I wondered why. Then I began to realize something uncomfortable. God wasn’t the one who had moved. I had. I had pulled away from Him.

Instead of bringing Him everything I was feeling, I kept some of the hurt tucked away where I thought it would be safer. I held God at arm’s length while trying to protect the places inside me that felt too tender to expose.

And once I started pulling away from Him, I began pulling away from other things too. I wasn’t writing. I wasn’t really connecting with friends and family.

Sometimes I showed up physically, but emotionally, I was somewhere else. I smiled. I laughed. I listened. I encouraged other people. I showed up for them while quietly falling apart inside.

You can paint a smile on your face so convincingly that people never notice the cracks underneath it. But God notices. He always does. And eventually, I had to admit that there was something else hiding underneath my grief.

Fear. Not simply fear of losing someone else. It was the fear of praying for something big and hearing God say, “No.”

We whisper prayers easily because the answer doesn’t feel like it could change everything. Then there are prayers so close to our hearts that saying them aloud feels terrifying. Because what happens if we ask God for the thing we desperately want and His answer is different from ours?

That fear had slowly made me hesitant to pray boldly. But God began reminding me of something I already knew. His goodness does not depend on whether His answer looks the way I hoped it would. Romans 8:28 reminds us that God works all things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.

That doesn’t mean everything that happens will feel good. Grief doesn’t feel good. Loss doesn’t feel good. Disappointment doesn’t feel good.

But God has a way of taking the pieces we thought were shattered beyond repair and doing something beautiful with them. Even when His answer is no. Even when His answer is wait. Even when His answer looks completely different from what we imagined.

He is still God. He is still faithful. And He is still fighting for us.

So I started asking myself some questions. Why wouldn’t I pray? Why wouldn’t I bring God the big request? Why wouldn’t I trust Him enough to place the thing I desperately want into His hands?

I can pray. Then I can praise Him for hearing me. I can trust His answer and His will. And I can worship Him while I wait because my confidence isn’t supposed to rest in a particular outcome. My confidence rests in Him.

Something began to shift when I remembered that. I realized I couldn’t stay in the pit forever. Eventually, I had to rise. And for me, rising began with worship. I began praising God for who He is. I began reminding myself of His promises. I began turning my attention away from everything I had lost and back toward the One who had never left me.

The pain didn’t magically disappear. The memories didn’t stop mattering. But God’s presence changed what the pain was allowed to do inside me.

Where grief had drained me, He began giving me strength. Where anxiety had settled, He began bringing peace. Where sorrow had taken up so much space, joy slowly began finding its way back in. And where fear had convinced me to protect my heart, His love reminded me that I could trust Him with it.

God is so faithful. Even when I fall short. Even when I pull away. Even when I spend far too long sitting in a pit He has already offered His hand to help me climb out of. He stays near. And when I finally reach for Him, I discover that He has been there all along.

💬 A Thought for You

Maybe you have been in a pit too. Maybe grief has lingered longer than you expected. Maybe you have been smiling for everyone around you while quietly hurting inside. Or maybe a prayer sits in your heart that you are afraid to pray because you’re not sure you can handle God’s answer.

Pray it anyway. God is not intimidated by the size of your request. He already knows what is in your heart, including the parts you haven’t had the courage to say aloud. Trust Him enough to bring it to Him. Then trust Him with the answer.

Your faith doesn’t have to be built around God giving you exactly what you ask for. It can be built on the certainty that whatever happens, He will remain faithful.

If you find yourself in the pit today, worship from there. You don’t have to wait until everything feels better. Praise Him while your eyes are still filled with tears. Praise Him while your heart is still healing. Praise Him because of who He is.

Sometimes worship doesn’t immediately change our circumstances, but it changes what happens inside us while we walk through them. 

God can meet you in the pit. He can strengthen you there. He can give you peace there. And when the time comes, He can help you rise.

🙏🏽 A Prayer

Father, thank You for staying close to me even during the moments when I pull away from You. Thank You for seeing every tear, knowing every hurt, and understanding the prayers I am sometimes afraid to pray.

Lord, forgive me for the times I have allowed fear, grief, or disappointment to keep me at a distance from You. Help me trust You enough to bring You every desire of my heart, even the ones that feel too big or too painful to speak aloud.

Give me the courage to pray boldly and the faith to trust Your answer. When Your answer is yes, help me praise You. When Your answer is wait, help me trust You. And when Your answer is no, remind me that You are still good and that Your plans for me are still filled with purpose.

When I find myself in the pit, give me the strength to worship You there. Replace my fear with Your peace, my weakness with Your strength, my sorrow with Your joy, and my hurt with the assurance of Your love.

Thank You for never leaving me. Thank You for being faithful even when I fall short. Thank You for helping me rise again. I give you all the glory, honor, and praise. In Jesus’ name, amen.

🙇🏽‍♀️ A Closing Thought

There will be seasons when grief feels heavier than joy and when God seems farther away than you want Him to be. But feelings do not determine His proximity.

He is near. He sees you. He hears you. And He is not afraid of the prayer you are afraid to pray.

So bring Him the big ask. Trust Him with the answer. Praise Him while you wait. And worship Him in the pit until you have the strength to rise.

Because the God who sits with you in your sorrow is also the God who can bring beauty from your ashes.

“To bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.”
Isaiah 61:3 NIV